father's day

So today is Father's Day, and it really makes me think about the father figures in my life and how important they truly are.  I've had many father figures in my life, from step-dad's to teachers or coaches, and I've loved all of them, but none compare to my dad. Even though we live far away and don't see each other nearly as often as we would like, he's still my dad, and I love him to death.

I know a lot of people, mostly kids in my generation, who have taken their dad for granted. Sure, they love their dad, but they know their dad is always going to be there so they don't cherish every moment together like they should.  Having my dad live so far away has given me this perspective. I would have given anything to see my dad every day growing up like most kids do. But I adapted, and learned to live in the moment and treasure every time that I do get to see him. I wish people would all treat their fathers like this.

And for the new dads (my two older brothers David and Dustin) I wish them an especially happy father's day. Growing up with my brothers was interesting to say the least. I loved them, but let's be honest, I could never picture the way they would act around their babies. I always knew them as the rough brothers I grew up with. Whether we were wrestling or playing backyard football or being choke-slammed by Dustin, it certainly was an adventure. But seeing them lovingly hold their babies and nurture and care for them... it's something else entirely. The first time I saw Dustin with little Tatum, he was laying down with him and cooing and making baby noises at Tatum. It was the strangest thing to witness, but I'm so proud of my brothers and everything that their doing. Happy Father's Day guys. I love you.

I considered writing a poem for this.. and maybe I will later, but honestly my hands are hurting so bad that it's killing me to write this. Being a writer and having a bone/joint disorder is probably the worst thing ever.

Thanks for reading! and Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there
Hannah(:

hello again

Hey guys, I know it's been forever since I've written but I've been so incredibly busy lately it's not even funny. Since I got moved a couple weeks ago and started my new job things have been pretty hectic.  I love my new place and all my new roommates.  They're great.  A few people were worried about me living with a bunch of football guys... But really they're like my brothers.  Though there was some awkward tension for awhile there... but I think that's gone now.  Maybe.

Now to the job... it's been okay.  It was sucking the life out of me actually. Literally.  I got mono because I overworked myself and didn't get enough sleep.  So that was a fun week I just had.  The people there are great though, I love them.  And the work isn't that bad, it's pretty easy.  And the money's really great.  I'm just not really cut out for the sales life... I might be pretty good at it, but I don't really like it.  I'm more of a "behind the scenes" kinda girl.  But oh well, it's income, and right now that's what I need.

So my book... I haven't been writing in The Fallout in a long time.  I've looked at it.  And made a few notes. But I've been experiencing writer's block.  I have no ideas.  For that anyway.  I have great ideas for other things.  Like I just had a dream the other night... and it sparked an idea for a book, which I started writing yesterday.  I spent literally all day yesterday and most of today writing.  I've forgotten to eat or even shower.  It's beginning to take over my life.  But thankfully I took a break to take care of myself.  I can't imagine what I must have looked like yesterday.

The book's great though, if I do say so myself.  I don't even like to brag a lot about my writing or anything really, but this is probably one of my best creations.  And the plot really isn't anything too spectacular just yet.  I'm keeping it simple.  But it's really given me time to focus on my characters and develop their personalities and lives.  I get so sucked into my writing that I almost feel as if they're real people.  I forget that what I'm living in is the true reality.

I should really learn how to limit my writing to a few hours a day to be able to separate the two realities.  But hey, isn't that what we as writers are trying to accomplish?  A false reality?  A world that seems so real that you feel as though you're truly there?  That's what I want anyway when I'm reading a book.

Then again, I hate to be that writer that starts a project and never finishes it.  Or starts too many projects at once.  I'd like to just finish a book.  Even if it's not that great.  Just to have finished an actual book, unpublished or published, would be one of my greatest achievements.

I don't really feel like posting any of my poems... the rest are a little too personal to be putting them on public display.  But hey, if you want to check out any of my stuff, just e-mail me or facebook me!

Thanks for reading!
Hannah(:

crazy crazy crazy

So it's been a crazy weird week full of pushy boys, missed opportunities, a job interview (I GOT THE JOB!!), an incredible almost date, and a ten hour trip.  Essentially, I've had to deal with a lot this week, to my standards anyway.  To a lot of people, it would have been nothing.  But when I'm used to absolutely no excitement in my life--it was crazy.  Needless to say, I haven't had any time to write at all.

Naturally, I find time to read two books... but that's neither here nor there.  Writing requires work and effort, while reading requires none.  So as you can see, it's a pretty simple choice.  As I stated in my last post about wanting to work and wanting to have fun, I'm not progressing much in my situation.  I'm too distracted by everything else going on in my life to be able to focus on much else.

Okay, so I will talk about my writing, I will, but I need to talk to someone, anyone, about my almost date.  Well not so much the actual almost date, but the guy in general.  I've known this guy for several years so we've been really close friends for as long as I've known him.  We were even going to try dating, but that didn't work out.  I think miscommunication is the killer of all relationships.  Give me any relationship and most of them fail due to communication problems.  Anyway, this boy isn't just some boy.  He asked me the other day what was so different about him, but I couldn't give him an answer.  You see, I'm not really sure what is so different about him.  Is it his smile? his laugh? his hands? his easy going manner? how easy he is to talk to? or is it simply the chase that I love? Knowing that I can never be with him, the mystery of wondering what it would be like? I don't know, maybe it's just everything about him.  Maybe it's the way I feel when I'm around him, that everything is just better when he's there.  I feel better about myself, I feel better about life.  As my cousin said last night (talking about me no less) "The skies are bluer when I'm with you, the sand feels sandier.  I feel whole, complete, like I'm with my other half."

I can live without this boy, I don't need him, but maybe that's what makes me ready to be with him.  I was watching Felicity the other night and one episode was about that exactly.  The girls were going clubbing and were having a "no guys" night.  They finally realized that they don't need guys to be happy, that they are strong independent women.  Then one girl says well maybe that means that we can finally be with them.  Like, I'm strong enough to be without him, I can stand on my own two feet.

I think that's what we as women need to figure out.  How to live without a boy, so we can live with them.  If we're always depending on a boy for everything, we won't be our own person; we'll have no identity, other than so and so's woman. I love boys, don't get me wrong. But sometimes, we need to get away from boys to realize what it is that we want and need.  Being around a boy makes everything fuzzy, you don't see things as clearly.  At least, if the boy's cute.  In order to figure out who you are as a person, you need to get away from the dumb boys.  :)

Anyway... I don't know why I felt the need to rant about boys for awhile there, but I did.  That happens to me a lot.  I get a little carried away.  And I guess it was writing so I suppose it was productive... There that's my excuse. Since I didn't really talk about my writing at all... I'll post a poem of mine. I wrote it awhile back, when I was feeling a little bitter about pretty much everything and anyone.

LOVE

Just a word, meaningless really

Used to elicit good feelings, to make everything better

In reality, used as blackmail, “If you really love me…”

Used as an excuse to treat people like shit

Love

Brings temporary happiness, never lasting

“All you need is love”

What a joke

The lie any weak soul will believe

A sign of vulnerability

Love

The thing that makes your heart beat fast

Gives you butterflies

Like walking on clouds

Until you fall flat on your ass

Ironic, isn’t it

That the thing that put you on a rainbow

Can also feel like a shot to the head?

Love

For some, it’s freeing

For others, it’s a jail cell

Locking you in until it gets what it wants

Then throwing you out on the street

Like a piece of trash

Love

What a joke.

Thanks for reading!! 

Hannah (: 

When I Don't Want To Write

I've been feeling pretty lazy lately.. haven't even opened my Fallout portfolio in a few days.  Maybe the call from Trafford scared me, maybe this is just how I am in the summer (unmotivated), or maybe I'm just lazy and don't feel like putting in the effort.  Either way, these are all excuses, and I know if I want to be a great writer then I need to quit being so damn lazy and just do it.

Everyone who knows me knows that I'm hungry all the time, and I snack ALL the time, and mostly while I'm working on something, homework or the book or whatever.  And I read something by Kristine Kathryn Rusch the other day and it really inspired me.  She didn't want to be writing what she was writing and went through every excuse in the book as to why she shouldn't be writing (getting hungry being one of them), and she came up with ways to get around these excuses.

The hunger one really helped me because it's so true.  She says that if you're working on something and you get hungry, ask yourself, "Do I like what I'm working on?" Don't ask yourself if you're really hungry because your body truly thinks that it is, and it may be.  But if you hate what you're working on, then you're probably not really hungry and you're just trying to get out of working.  But if you do enjoy what you're doing, then you should probably take a short break and get something to eat.  This is helped me work better and more efficiently, plus I don't eat as much.

Another tip was that if you want to be doing something else, like reading in my case, then I can't allow myself to start reading a book until I'm done working on whatever I need to work on.  Because I know if I start reading, I could be sitting there for hours and get nothing done, but finish a great book.  I've learned that if I get the work done, I can read.  It's motivated me so much because I want to read that badly.  Granted, not everyone is as great a book nerd as I am... So pick something else, something that you enjoy a lot more than working, and learn how to control that.

And now I have wasted a good half hour writing about the reasons I do not want to be writing--perfect.  As soon as I'm finished with my chores for the day--yes, I have chores--I will try to focus and get some work done.  Keep reading!

Hannah (:

News!

So I may have some exciting news! I've been looking into publishing companies and may have found a good fit!  They contacted me yesterday wanting to talk about the book and options and whatnot. But they want to help me! They're interested! It's Trafford publishing.  They're a new Indie Publishing Company that seems really legit and a perfect fit for me. I hope so anyway.

So obviously I'm really excited about this. So because of this, I don't think I should put anymore of my book's progress online...just as a precautionary thing. I'm sorry for those that were interested in reading it, but just contact me by facebook or e-mail (hannah.utley@student.ottawa.edu) and I can keep you updated. I will still definitely be keeping everyone updated on the progress here, I just won't be able to post full chapters or anything.

Today: I started working on the Fallout some more, but I had to stop due to funeral events.  A young boy, Mitchell, passed away the other day in my hometown in a hunting accident and had his funeral today.  I would just ask everyone to please pray for Mitchell's family and the other boy involved, Matt, and his family.  They need them more than anything right now, though I know nothing can replace the loss of Mitchell.

Here's a poem I wrote awhile ago, after the disaster that struck Joplin, MO.  I know what happened here and what happened to Joplin are two different things, but they are both very tragic and I feel this poem applies here.

JOPLIN

Whether you’ve lived it

Or merely seen pictures

Or heard about it on the news

Disasters hit this earth every single day

Whether they be weather related

Tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes

Or man made

Shootings, wars, diseases

Whether it be an accident

Or on purpose

They happen to everyone

They don’t discriminate

They don’t care if you’re rich or poor

White or black, old or young

People ask, why us?

But truth be told,

There is no answer

No underlying reasons

God doesn’t hate us all

And seek to give cruel punishment

Bad things happen to good people

Good things happen to bad people

It’s a fact of life

God doesn’t do these things

He allows these things to happen

There’s a difference

Whether it be to teach us a lesson

Or to make us stronger

Or open our eyes

All experiences, good or bad,

Has a good and perfect meaning

We may not see it

In fact, we probably don’t

But God isn’t here to please us

Or show us the meaning of life

We are here to please Him

And learn to live in the moment

Cherishing everything we have

And everyone we love

More to come later! Please comment! Thanks for reading!

Hannah (:

one of those people

I always liked to tell people, I'm not one of those girls, I would never be like that. But here I am...being like that.  I always say I don't care what people think about me or what I do, and for the most part, I don't care. But when it comes to my writing.. I do care. It's not like I need approval or need everyone to like it because I know not everyone will.  And that's fine with me.  Since I'm not published or working with an agent yet, my confidence isn't what I wish it would be, so yes I like positive feedback, as does everyone. so please! comment  and tell me what you guys think! :)

I won't be able to update the book's progress today due to other appointments and duties, but I will try to get a little bit done later today. Thanks for reading!

Along with writing fiction, I also write poetry for myself, and will be putting occasional pieces when I don't have anything on my book's progress to put here.

This is my newest poem to date, and you guys will be the first ones to read it. hope ya like it :)

I AM ME

let me tell you a story
a story of a child who grew up too fast
a child who, like you, had a hope a dream a wish a prayer
a child with so much pain and suffering she could never realize what she was truly capable of
a child too afraid to tell the world how she feels

that child is me
this is my story

you think you know what it's like? a father that's not around. a mother with impossible expectations.
maybe you do. maybe you've seen the statistics.
but you think you know who I am?
you know the struggles I've faces?

I am no statistic. I am me. just me.
just a girl trying to make it in this fucked up world.
where a teenage girl, pregnant, homeless, scared, thinks the only way out is abortion
I'm here to tell you had she given in to her struggle, my brother would never have been born
where a single mother of four has several jobs and still can barely get by
where she marries abusive men and looks the other way, simply for the sake of stability

growing up, told I was expected to be something, to screw up, to get pregnant, to fail
growing up, I shouted a big fuck you to those expectations

my life isn't determined by what you say, by what statistics say I should be

I am me. no more. no less. just me.

CHAPTER ONE

THE FALLOUT

By Hannah Utley

CHAPTER ONE

Friday, June 12, 2243

            They sat there.  The tension suffocating.  Neither saying a word.  Not knowing what to say or how to respond.  Telling your ex-boyfriend that you’re pregnant with his baby will do that to someone.  His words kept repeating themselves over and over in Abby’s head, “Abs, maybe you should just, you know, take care of it…?”  As if she could even think about doing such a thing.  That was her baby he was talking about—their baby—and he just wanted her to ‘take care of it’?  Ridiculous.

Abby couldn’t think straight, let alone put a coherent sentence together.  She sat there in utter disbelief, holding back the tears and the anger.  She had known Nate forever, lived in the same area outside of Denver since Junior High.  They vowed to remain friends even if dating didn’t work out, but things never seem to go as planned.  After high school, Abby went off to college, ending their relationship, or so she thought.

She would always be in love with Nate, but somehow kept finding reasons for them to be apart.  By distancing himself from her, burning the bridge so to speak had only deterred her even more from trying.

It seemed silly, childish even, to hope that things would change, that he would see the light and want to be with her because of the baby.  But hope, and hope with all her heart she did.   

            The shrill voices of the Spice Girls coming from Nate’s phone broke the deafening silence, bringing Abby back to reality.  Hearing the song, all Abby could think was tell me what you want, what you really, really want. How ironic are those lyrics now?

“Landon, what do you want?  This really isn’t a good time.” It was Nate’s brother Landon.  The ringtone should have given it away.  They were a bit gay with their music choices.  “What?  Why?  I’m a little busy, man.  Abby’s here… What? Okay, fine, but this better be important.” He sighed and rubbed his face with his free hand, like he always did when he was extremely stressed about something.  He gave Abby an apologetic look before turning the TV on to the news.  “Alright, it’s on.  Wait, what the hell?”  He asked.

Abby looked at Nate, and wondered what could be so important that Landon would call Nate.  Landon wasn’t what one would call active or aware of what was going on in the world.   

The caption at the bottom of the screen caught Abby’s attention though.  It read: 

METEORS TO HIT THE EARTH?

            The anchorman was talking while the image changed to satellite images of a cloud of rocks flying through space.  Nate turned it up the volume so they could hear what the man was saying better. 

“…see, meteors like this are pretty common to hit the Earth every so often, but they usually burn up in the atmosphere before getting the chance to make contact or do any damage.  The shear amount and size of these meteors, however, is quite staggering and honestly alarming.”

Abby’s stomach was already churning, but suddenly felt the room spinning and almost threw up her breakfast from that morning.  She took a deep breath and steadied herself on the arm of the couch.  The look on Nate’s face suggested he was feeling the exact same thing. 

“Oh my God…” He whispered, still on the phone with Landon. “How did you hear about this?  You don’t watch the news.” He asked.

Abby turned her attention back to the anchors as they continued with their explanation.   

“President Lewis and his administration claim to have just found out about this, but sources say otherwise, that they’ve just hidden this from the public because they thought disaster could be averted.    They have been trying to think of any solutions to this problem, but so far have come up with nothing concrete.  NASA says they will be trying to shoot missiles into the asteroid cloud to break it up more…”

Abby couldn’t breathe.  She turned to Nate, almost asking him what to do, but he was still talking to Landon.  She was so mad at him that she wanted to just leave and go home, but something told her what they were seeing on the news was serious and would change their lives forever.

**********

Ever since Abby told Nate she was pregnant, with his baby, he couldn’t stop thinking about their first date.  Nate was a nervous wreck.  He had asked her out while at school.  They were sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch, when he blurted out, “Will you go out with me? Like on a date?”  And by some miracle, she said yes.  It was a perfect, beautiful May afternoon, but nothing compared to her beauty. She wore a purple sundress with little flowers on it.  Every time she brushed her hair aside, he caught the scent of lavender, taking his breath away.  He knew from their very first date, that Abby had changed his life.  Once again, Nate was transformed into that five year old kid with a crush on his teacher.   

            Abby was an amazing girl, probably the best thing that ever happened to Nate.  But hearing that he was about to become a father?  When they weren’t even together anymore?  Hell, he had just begun to get over her, sort of. 

Okay, not even close. 

            The phone call from Landon and what was happening on the TV had him distracted though, if at least for just a little while. 

 “Landon, where are you?  You need to come home now.  Katie’s been asking about you, and I’m running out of lies to tell her.”  Katie was their little sister, and at only twelve she didn’t really understand any of their family crap.  Their mom left when the boys I were in Junior High; Katie was only four.  Their dad, Jeff, was a truck driver and was always gone so Nate and Landon basically raised Katie. 

“Nate…man, I can’t,” Came Landon’s response. 

            “What?  No.  No, Landon, forget it.  Whatever you did can be fixed…”  Referring to the fact that Landon was always getting himself into trouble, and Nate was always the one to bail him out.  Landon was his older brother, by only nine months, but Nate still felt it was my responsibly to take care of him regardless of their age difference. 

            “No you don’t get it, bro.  I’m… I’m in jail.” 

            “You’re what?!”  Nate asked.  

            “Yea… I really screwed this one up…”  Landon explained. 

            “Okay… Where are you?  I’ll come get you.”  It didn’t matter what happened.  Landon was still Nate’s brother, and was still willing to risk everything for him.  And the funny thing is that Landon probably wouldn’t even appreciate it.  Sure, he didn’t mean to be a jackass, but he certainly was sometimes. 

            “No, man, you need to get Katie and go somewhere safe.  I’ll be fine.  Jail cells aren’t so bad ya know… And anyway I’m all the way in Wichita.”

            “Landon.  How the hell did you get all the way to Wichita?”  They lived in the suburbs of Denver, and Landon was supposed to be working down in Colorado Springs.  At least, that’s what he kept telling everyone, even though his work had reported him missing for several weeks.  Landon was a loose cannon in the family.

            “It’s a long story, man.  It doesn’t really matter.  I really just called to make sure you and Katie are all right.  I gotta go though.  They’re booking me, so I gotta give up my phone and crap.  Guess I’ll talk to ya on the flip side, eh?”  He half-heartedly chuckled.  He always was trying to lighten the mood. 

            “Alright… but I promise you, I will come find you when this is all over.  We gotta be a family again.  I love you.”  Nate said, resigning himself to the situation.

            “Alright, I love ya too, bro.  Tell Katie that I love her too.”  When Nate hung up, the anchorman was still talking about all the possibilities and implications of what could happen.  Nate barely understood any of it, and was only half paying attention, but it didn’t look good.  It didn’t look good at all.

“Nate? What’s wrong?  Is Landon okay?” Abby asked.

            “What? Yea… Yea, Landon’s okay.  He’s just… in jail so… I’m not really sure what’s going to happen.  I mean, I’ve already got enough on my plate with work, and raising Katie, then you’re freaking pregnant, so that complicates things a bit.  Then this damn meteor crisis happens and I find out my brother’s in jail.  I mean, what the hell is happening?” Nate was usually pretty calm under pressure, but this was beginning to be too much for the young man.

            “I know, but everything will be alright.  We’ll go, I mean…you will go and find Landon and you guys will be okay.”  Abby placed her hand on his arm reassuringly, but he barely noticed.   

            “Wait, what did he just say?” Nate asked, turning up the TV.  He had almost completely forgotten about the real issue at hand.

            “...again, they have warned us that there is nothing they can really do.  We will get hit.  The face of the Earth will be changed forever…”  The screen went back to the anchormen, who weren’t looking so steady.  Finally one spoke, “This is devastating news indeed.  Since this is short notice there isn’t a lot that we have time to do, but we do have some general precautions and advice for you to take.  Try to get as far below ground as possible: basements, cellars, fall-out shelters, whatever you can find.  Store as much food and water as possible.  Take any blankets, pillows, and mattresses that you can into wherever you’re staying.  And… be with your family, for as long as you can.”

Nate felt Abby squeeze his forearm in fear.  The gesture sent chills racing down his spine.  He hated how she could still do that to him, even in the middle of all this drama around them.

The anchorman continued, “The President himself will be giving an address as soon as they’ve moved him to his secure bunker underground, but we’ll stay on the air with you until we… Wait a second.” He pressed his earpiece to his head and listened intently for a second.  

He quickly whispered something to the other anchorman, then they both sat there looking lost in thought for a few moments before one spoke, slowly and articulately.  “I just received some breaking news from NASA.  They’ve determined approximately when the meteors will hit.  They say it should be sometime this afternoon, about 4:00 EST.  They will be giving us updates as soon as they know anymore.   We’ll break for a minute, before hearing President Obama’s address.  God be with you all.”  They went to an emergency broadcast just then; bad timing in Nate’s opinion.

***More to come later!! please comment!!***

Hannah(:

First off....

You already know who I am, and if not then apparently you can't read and don't know what I'm saying anyway.

I'm a writer by nature, have been since I was a kid. Granted, the most writing I usually did was in my diary... in which the only thing I ever talked about was which boy I liked that week.  Or it was fantasy fiction stories about...the same guys. haha.  But it was writing nonetheless.

Now that I'm almost in my third year of college, I'm a little more serious about this hobby of mine.  I started writing my own novel about a year ago, though I didn't know it then.  I thought it was going to be just a thing I do occasionally when bored.  I never imagined it would change my life the way it did.  Writing is no longer just a hobby of mine, it's my life.  And even if I never get published, even if no one reads or likes my work, I'll still be a writer and I'll still do what I love.  Though of course getting published and being on the New York Times best sellers list will always be a dream, and hopefully I will achieve that one day.

On to my book...  It's a science fiction story set in the near future in Aurora, Colorado in which meteors of catastrophic proportions are about to strike the world.  The story revolves around a young college girl, Abby, and her complicated relationship with Nate.  They must deal with the complexities of having a baby while trying to survive the end of the world as they know it.

I'll upload the first couple chapters as soon as I have them done.  I'm in the middle of changing my whole writing strategy right now by changing the point of view its written in.  Sounds easier than it really is... It sucks and it's pretty time-consuming.  But I'll finish that in a few days hopefully, or maybe even today if I work hard, and get that up for ya soon.

Hannah(: