all you need is love...

Love is a funny thing. It can make you daydream in class, lose all sense of time, forget reality, believe in the impossible. It can also cause you to cry yourself to sleep, jump to the wildest conclusions, ignore the red flags. You can’t have the good without the bad. You can’t have happiness without a little sadness sometimes. That doesn’t mean that you should allow yourself to be treated poorly just because someone tells you they love you. That’s not real love, in my opinion anyway. Real love is being apart, but knowing that you’re together. Real love is giving someone your heart, giving them the ability to break it in half, but trusting them not to. Real love understands that sometimes compromises must be made, that will benefit both sides in the end. Real love is unbreakable and unconditional. That’s my opinion of real love anyway. If you want the absolute truth, just read 1 Corinthians 13. 

Oh, the irony...

I haven't written in forever. Not just this though.. I haven't written any poetry or my novels. I've been so unmotivated lately, it's becoming a problem. I hate it. I miss writing. Though, if I really did miss writing then I ask myself, "why haven't I just done it?" It's stupid really. My motto for life is "if you wanna do something, do it; if you don't wanna do something, don't do it." Of course, this becomes problematic when it comes to my job and academics... Which, by the way, just started back up. It's been ridiculously easy so far. Done with class everyday by 11:00. I know not to get my hopes up though. This semester is bound to be my hardest semester yet. I get stressed just thinking about the next few weeks.  Add that to stress over money, getting sick, and work... Needless to say, I'm stressed.  Not only that... but there's a boy.

Over the years I have been telling myself (along with my friends and family telling me) that I deserve the best; that I'm a treasure and a child of God.  Though, hearing that and believing that are two completely different things. I always had standards for myself and for the guys that I would be interested in enough to date. But one two many guys screwed that up for me. Or I screwed that up for myself.  Who knows really which came first. Good ol chicken v. the egg dilemma.

I want to believe that I deserve the best, I really do.  But when so many guys in my past have given me nothing but pain and resentment, it's really quite difficult. I don't trust people very easily, if at all. I tell the guy straight up that it will take me awhile to fully trust him; that it's not because of him, but it's because of me. Cliche, but true, nonetheless. When I finally am able to let go and trust him to a certain degree (I don't think I'll ever be able to trust someone 100%), that's when the shit hits the fan. If you know how hard it is for me to trust you, why would you work so hard to gain my trust just to shit on me? I just don't understand men. I should say boys in this context though. These aren't men. Just when I thought it was real. I thought he was real. I thought what we had was real. Ha. That's a good one. Even when I give someone chance after chance after chance... in the end, he still doesn't give two shits about me or our supposed 'relationship'. But I'm not writing this blog to talk crap behind his back or whatever, I'm writing this to get out my feelings and figure out what the hell it is that I want.

Truth is, I don't know what I want. Most girls don't. Most people don't, actually. Those who do, or think they do, probably don't know any more than you or me, and are probably just lying to themselves.  I don't know, maybe I'm just being a pessimist.

This I do know... I do deserve the best, and nothing less. And if you can't give me that, after almost a year of being 'together'.... then I don't have much hope that anything will change.

Sorry bout it.

Not really.

I've done everything possible to show you that I love you, show you that I care and want to be in this relationship. What have I gotten in return? A broken heart. I don't know, maybe I'm being overly dramatic and needy. I have been called that before. But those who truly know me would laugh at that. All I need is for you to show me you love me and only me. That's it. Is that too much to ask? Maybe for some people. But that's where I'm drawing the line. If you can't do that... then I'm sorry, but see ya later.

I deserve the best. I'm not settling anymore. I'm done.

Sorry this post turned more into a venting session... but I needed to do it.

Hannah(:

father's day

So today is Father's Day, and it really makes me think about the father figures in my life and how important they truly are.  I've had many father figures in my life, from step-dad's to teachers or coaches, and I've loved all of them, but none compare to my dad. Even though we live far away and don't see each other nearly as often as we would like, he's still my dad, and I love him to death.

I know a lot of people, mostly kids in my generation, who have taken their dad for granted. Sure, they love their dad, but they know their dad is always going to be there so they don't cherish every moment together like they should.  Having my dad live so far away has given me this perspective. I would have given anything to see my dad every day growing up like most kids do. But I adapted, and learned to live in the moment and treasure every time that I do get to see him. I wish people would all treat their fathers like this.

And for the new dads (my two older brothers David and Dustin) I wish them an especially happy father's day. Growing up with my brothers was interesting to say the least. I loved them, but let's be honest, I could never picture the way they would act around their babies. I always knew them as the rough brothers I grew up with. Whether we were wrestling or playing backyard football or being choke-slammed by Dustin, it certainly was an adventure. But seeing them lovingly hold their babies and nurture and care for them... it's something else entirely. The first time I saw Dustin with little Tatum, he was laying down with him and cooing and making baby noises at Tatum. It was the strangest thing to witness, but I'm so proud of my brothers and everything that their doing. Happy Father's Day guys. I love you.

I considered writing a poem for this.. and maybe I will later, but honestly my hands are hurting so bad that it's killing me to write this. Being a writer and having a bone/joint disorder is probably the worst thing ever.

Thanks for reading! and Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there
Hannah(:

hello again

Hey guys, I know it's been forever since I've written but I've been so incredibly busy lately it's not even funny. Since I got moved a couple weeks ago and started my new job things have been pretty hectic.  I love my new place and all my new roommates.  They're great.  A few people were worried about me living with a bunch of football guys... But really they're like my brothers.  Though there was some awkward tension for awhile there... but I think that's gone now.  Maybe.

Now to the job... it's been okay.  It was sucking the life out of me actually. Literally.  I got mono because I overworked myself and didn't get enough sleep.  So that was a fun week I just had.  The people there are great though, I love them.  And the work isn't that bad, it's pretty easy.  And the money's really great.  I'm just not really cut out for the sales life... I might be pretty good at it, but I don't really like it.  I'm more of a "behind the scenes" kinda girl.  But oh well, it's income, and right now that's what I need.

So my book... I haven't been writing in The Fallout in a long time.  I've looked at it.  And made a few notes. But I've been experiencing writer's block.  I have no ideas.  For that anyway.  I have great ideas for other things.  Like I just had a dream the other night... and it sparked an idea for a book, which I started writing yesterday.  I spent literally all day yesterday and most of today writing.  I've forgotten to eat or even shower.  It's beginning to take over my life.  But thankfully I took a break to take care of myself.  I can't imagine what I must have looked like yesterday.

The book's great though, if I do say so myself.  I don't even like to brag a lot about my writing or anything really, but this is probably one of my best creations.  And the plot really isn't anything too spectacular just yet.  I'm keeping it simple.  But it's really given me time to focus on my characters and develop their personalities and lives.  I get so sucked into my writing that I almost feel as if they're real people.  I forget that what I'm living in is the true reality.

I should really learn how to limit my writing to a few hours a day to be able to separate the two realities.  But hey, isn't that what we as writers are trying to accomplish?  A false reality?  A world that seems so real that you feel as though you're truly there?  That's what I want anyway when I'm reading a book.

Then again, I hate to be that writer that starts a project and never finishes it.  Or starts too many projects at once.  I'd like to just finish a book.  Even if it's not that great.  Just to have finished an actual book, unpublished or published, would be one of my greatest achievements.

I don't really feel like posting any of my poems... the rest are a little too personal to be putting them on public display.  But hey, if you want to check out any of my stuff, just e-mail me or facebook me!

Thanks for reading!
Hannah(:

crazy crazy crazy

So it's been a crazy weird week full of pushy boys, missed opportunities, a job interview (I GOT THE JOB!!), an incredible almost date, and a ten hour trip.  Essentially, I've had to deal with a lot this week, to my standards anyway.  To a lot of people, it would have been nothing.  But when I'm used to absolutely no excitement in my life--it was crazy.  Needless to say, I haven't had any time to write at all.

Naturally, I find time to read two books... but that's neither here nor there.  Writing requires work and effort, while reading requires none.  So as you can see, it's a pretty simple choice.  As I stated in my last post about wanting to work and wanting to have fun, I'm not progressing much in my situation.  I'm too distracted by everything else going on in my life to be able to focus on much else.

Okay, so I will talk about my writing, I will, but I need to talk to someone, anyone, about my almost date.  Well not so much the actual almost date, but the guy in general.  I've known this guy for several years so we've been really close friends for as long as I've known him.  We were even going to try dating, but that didn't work out.  I think miscommunication is the killer of all relationships.  Give me any relationship and most of them fail due to communication problems.  Anyway, this boy isn't just some boy.  He asked me the other day what was so different about him, but I couldn't give him an answer.  You see, I'm not really sure what is so different about him.  Is it his smile? his laugh? his hands? his easy going manner? how easy he is to talk to? or is it simply the chase that I love? Knowing that I can never be with him, the mystery of wondering what it would be like? I don't know, maybe it's just everything about him.  Maybe it's the way I feel when I'm around him, that everything is just better when he's there.  I feel better about myself, I feel better about life.  As my cousin said last night (talking about me no less) "The skies are bluer when I'm with you, the sand feels sandier.  I feel whole, complete, like I'm with my other half."

I can live without this boy, I don't need him, but maybe that's what makes me ready to be with him.  I was watching Felicity the other night and one episode was about that exactly.  The girls were going clubbing and were having a "no guys" night.  They finally realized that they don't need guys to be happy, that they are strong independent women.  Then one girl says well maybe that means that we can finally be with them.  Like, I'm strong enough to be without him, I can stand on my own two feet.

I think that's what we as women need to figure out.  How to live without a boy, so we can live with them.  If we're always depending on a boy for everything, we won't be our own person; we'll have no identity, other than so and so's woman. I love boys, don't get me wrong. But sometimes, we need to get away from boys to realize what it is that we want and need.  Being around a boy makes everything fuzzy, you don't see things as clearly.  At least, if the boy's cute.  In order to figure out who you are as a person, you need to get away from the dumb boys.  :)

Anyway... I don't know why I felt the need to rant about boys for awhile there, but I did.  That happens to me a lot.  I get a little carried away.  And I guess it was writing so I suppose it was productive... There that's my excuse. Since I didn't really talk about my writing at all... I'll post a poem of mine. I wrote it awhile back, when I was feeling a little bitter about pretty much everything and anyone.

LOVE

Just a word, meaningless really

Used to elicit good feelings, to make everything better

In reality, used as blackmail, “If you really love me…”

Used as an excuse to treat people like shit

Love

Brings temporary happiness, never lasting

“All you need is love”

What a joke

The lie any weak soul will believe

A sign of vulnerability

Love

The thing that makes your heart beat fast

Gives you butterflies

Like walking on clouds

Until you fall flat on your ass

Ironic, isn’t it

That the thing that put you on a rainbow

Can also feel like a shot to the head?

Love

For some, it’s freeing

For others, it’s a jail cell

Locking you in until it gets what it wants

Then throwing you out on the street

Like a piece of trash

Love

What a joke.

Thanks for reading!! 

Hannah (: 

When I Don't Want To Write

I've been feeling pretty lazy lately.. haven't even opened my Fallout portfolio in a few days.  Maybe the call from Trafford scared me, maybe this is just how I am in the summer (unmotivated), or maybe I'm just lazy and don't feel like putting in the effort.  Either way, these are all excuses, and I know if I want to be a great writer then I need to quit being so damn lazy and just do it.

Everyone who knows me knows that I'm hungry all the time, and I snack ALL the time, and mostly while I'm working on something, homework or the book or whatever.  And I read something by Kristine Kathryn Rusch the other day and it really inspired me.  She didn't want to be writing what she was writing and went through every excuse in the book as to why she shouldn't be writing (getting hungry being one of them), and she came up with ways to get around these excuses.

The hunger one really helped me because it's so true.  She says that if you're working on something and you get hungry, ask yourself, "Do I like what I'm working on?" Don't ask yourself if you're really hungry because your body truly thinks that it is, and it may be.  But if you hate what you're working on, then you're probably not really hungry and you're just trying to get out of working.  But if you do enjoy what you're doing, then you should probably take a short break and get something to eat.  This is helped me work better and more efficiently, plus I don't eat as much.

Another tip was that if you want to be doing something else, like reading in my case, then I can't allow myself to start reading a book until I'm done working on whatever I need to work on.  Because I know if I start reading, I could be sitting there for hours and get nothing done, but finish a great book.  I've learned that if I get the work done, I can read.  It's motivated me so much because I want to read that badly.  Granted, not everyone is as great a book nerd as I am... So pick something else, something that you enjoy a lot more than working, and learn how to control that.

And now I have wasted a good half hour writing about the reasons I do not want to be writing--perfect.  As soon as I'm finished with my chores for the day--yes, I have chores--I will try to focus and get some work done.  Keep reading!

Hannah (:

News!

So I may have some exciting news! I've been looking into publishing companies and may have found a good fit!  They contacted me yesterday wanting to talk about the book and options and whatnot. But they want to help me! They're interested! It's Trafford publishing.  They're a new Indie Publishing Company that seems really legit and a perfect fit for me. I hope so anyway.

So obviously I'm really excited about this. So because of this, I don't think I should put anymore of my book's progress online...just as a precautionary thing. I'm sorry for those that were interested in reading it, but just contact me by facebook or e-mail (hannah.utley@student.ottawa.edu) and I can keep you updated. I will still definitely be keeping everyone updated on the progress here, I just won't be able to post full chapters or anything.

Today: I started working on the Fallout some more, but I had to stop due to funeral events.  A young boy, Mitchell, passed away the other day in my hometown in a hunting accident and had his funeral today.  I would just ask everyone to please pray for Mitchell's family and the other boy involved, Matt, and his family.  They need them more than anything right now, though I know nothing can replace the loss of Mitchell.

Here's a poem I wrote awhile ago, after the disaster that struck Joplin, MO.  I know what happened here and what happened to Joplin are two different things, but they are both very tragic and I feel this poem applies here.

JOPLIN

Whether you’ve lived it

Or merely seen pictures

Or heard about it on the news

Disasters hit this earth every single day

Whether they be weather related

Tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes

Or man made

Shootings, wars, diseases

Whether it be an accident

Or on purpose

They happen to everyone

They don’t discriminate

They don’t care if you’re rich or poor

White or black, old or young

People ask, why us?

But truth be told,

There is no answer

No underlying reasons

God doesn’t hate us all

And seek to give cruel punishment

Bad things happen to good people

Good things happen to bad people

It’s a fact of life

God doesn’t do these things

He allows these things to happen

There’s a difference

Whether it be to teach us a lesson

Or to make us stronger

Or open our eyes

All experiences, good or bad,

Has a good and perfect meaning

We may not see it

In fact, we probably don’t

But God isn’t here to please us

Or show us the meaning of life

We are here to please Him

And learn to live in the moment

Cherishing everything we have

And everyone we love

More to come later! Please comment! Thanks for reading!

Hannah (: