all you need is love...

Love is a funny thing. It can make you daydream in class, lose all sense of time, forget reality, believe in the impossible. It can also cause you to cry yourself to sleep, jump to the wildest conclusions, ignore the red flags. You can’t have the good without the bad. You can’t have happiness without a little sadness sometimes. That doesn’t mean that you should allow yourself to be treated poorly just because someone tells you they love you. That’s not real love, in my opinion anyway. Real love is being apart, but knowing that you’re together. Real love is giving someone your heart, giving them the ability to break it in half, but trusting them not to. Real love understands that sometimes compromises must be made, that will benefit both sides in the end. Real love is unbreakable and unconditional. That’s my opinion of real love anyway. If you want the absolute truth, just read 1 Corinthians 13. 

Oh, the irony...

I haven't written in forever. Not just this though.. I haven't written any poetry or my novels. I've been so unmotivated lately, it's becoming a problem. I hate it. I miss writing. Though, if I really did miss writing then I ask myself, "why haven't I just done it?" It's stupid really. My motto for life is "if you wanna do something, do it; if you don't wanna do something, don't do it." Of course, this becomes problematic when it comes to my job and academics... Which, by the way, just started back up. It's been ridiculously easy so far. Done with class everyday by 11:00. I know not to get my hopes up though. This semester is bound to be my hardest semester yet. I get stressed just thinking about the next few weeks.  Add that to stress over money, getting sick, and work... Needless to say, I'm stressed.  Not only that... but there's a boy.

Over the years I have been telling myself (along with my friends and family telling me) that I deserve the best; that I'm a treasure and a child of God.  Though, hearing that and believing that are two completely different things. I always had standards for myself and for the guys that I would be interested in enough to date. But one two many guys screwed that up for me. Or I screwed that up for myself.  Who knows really which came first. Good ol chicken v. the egg dilemma.

I want to believe that I deserve the best, I really do.  But when so many guys in my past have given me nothing but pain and resentment, it's really quite difficult. I don't trust people very easily, if at all. I tell the guy straight up that it will take me awhile to fully trust him; that it's not because of him, but it's because of me. Cliche, but true, nonetheless. When I finally am able to let go and trust him to a certain degree (I don't think I'll ever be able to trust someone 100%), that's when the shit hits the fan. If you know how hard it is for me to trust you, why would you work so hard to gain my trust just to shit on me? I just don't understand men. I should say boys in this context though. These aren't men. Just when I thought it was real. I thought he was real. I thought what we had was real. Ha. That's a good one. Even when I give someone chance after chance after chance... in the end, he still doesn't give two shits about me or our supposed 'relationship'. But I'm not writing this blog to talk crap behind his back or whatever, I'm writing this to get out my feelings and figure out what the hell it is that I want.

Truth is, I don't know what I want. Most girls don't. Most people don't, actually. Those who do, or think they do, probably don't know any more than you or me, and are probably just lying to themselves.  I don't know, maybe I'm just being a pessimist.

This I do know... I do deserve the best, and nothing less. And if you can't give me that, after almost a year of being 'together'.... then I don't have much hope that anything will change.

Sorry bout it.

Not really.

I've done everything possible to show you that I love you, show you that I care and want to be in this relationship. What have I gotten in return? A broken heart. I don't know, maybe I'm being overly dramatic and needy. I have been called that before. But those who truly know me would laugh at that. All I need is for you to show me you love me and only me. That's it. Is that too much to ask? Maybe for some people. But that's where I'm drawing the line. If you can't do that... then I'm sorry, but see ya later.

I deserve the best. I'm not settling anymore. I'm done.

Sorry this post turned more into a venting session... but I needed to do it.

Hannah(: